I think I'm integrating something

because I am clearly feeling all my ego energies surfacing and moving to the side. I feel now the "bringing to the core" and the opening to more love. I could clearly sense the love for myself and how I can get to this place. 

I don't want to say that the ego-way of doing things is wrong and that I am switching to something right. Nor do I want to give up my drive for achievement. I just want to put it into a better perspective. I don't want to evaluate myself based on my achievements, or, experiences is a better word. And I don't want to call one experience an achievement and another failure and I can't live anymore by denying myself the experiences that I want and trying to have them the old way. It just doesn't work anymore. At least for me. And I can't have all the experiences that I want the old way. I can't focus on something one and neither can I go into several directions simultaneously, because in the old world they simply do not coexist together. So I have to bring everything to the core and then let the energy bring me all ... my precious :D *insert diabolical laughter here*

And I also have these flu symptoms...better be the spiritual one.

I really really feel that I am releasing my attachments to the outer circumstances, to the definitions of these outer circumstances and to the need to control them with my mind. 

What would I like to do and to have?

- I want to be safe

- I want all my needs to be realized. I don't want to spend my time being busy providing my resources so I can express myself. I choose to be served always and I choose my needs always be fulfilled and all the resources that I will ever require to be available to me.

- I want to have a family of kind spiritted people. I want to allow myself to be in the New Energy with people I love and who also think like me. My friends. I want to enjoy being with my family and I want to enjoy my husband and my children (future).

- I also choose to end the experience of feeling miserable. I choose to consciously know that I am an all powerful creator. Who can also create misery :D

- I also want to channel my Atlantean knowledge. Or any inter dimensional knowledge that I might have and am afraid to express. My mind has no knowledge of even being in Atlantis. But I do feel something scientific, sci-fi and powerful. If there is a knowledge that I have and it can be used, I do choose it to be channeled here. 

- Continuing the previous: I choose to be realized career wise. The best possible way. WITHOUT making sacrifices like not having a family. THAT IS ALSO OVER! I want everything and I want it the best possible way for me. Which kinda puts an end to my victim moods...oh well, everything's gotta end somewhen.

An influx of love energy

happened to me yesterday, after I learned that my current job might last only for another month and not for another 5 months as I was originally told. I did get upset at first, but then I got angry and told myself "I'm gonna make it through! I'm gonna live!". And then I felt SO MUCH LOVE for myself. That I deserve to live. That no matter who I am and what I am and what my life looks like I DESERVE to LIVE and I deserve all the possible love and compassion in the universe. I am connected to this feeling again, as I am writing this entry. I am literally feeling love at the heart center and at the rest of my body.
This feeling that I am loved and that I deserve to live and have everything that I ever need is not trivial. I sensed very clearly how I have always felt that "it is not a big deal" if I will not live. I was not important enough to myself. What mattered was that I have the right life, if I am the right thing. If I am not - I might or even better not to live at all. I do not want to consider this point of view as "wrong", because, after all, I chose to have this experience but this is how I felt: that my story is more important and more valuable than my life. Pluto, you're doing it right! :D But we can take it to the next level, methinks and hopes ♥

Current astrological map

Right now I am at the beginning of Pluto transit to my Jupiter. To be sprecific, transiting Pluto, 3rd house, Capricorn trine natal Jupiter, 11th house, Virgo. Since my Jupiter is also conjunct my North Node and sextile Venus, these points will already be activated as well. I was very excited because Jupiter represents expansion, far travels, further education and achievement of one's goals, however, till I was reminded today, I totally forgot that Jupiter also stands for one's phylosophical, social and humanitarian views. 11th house, besides ruling one's goals and ideals also rules one's circle of friends, work in groups and one's ideals. So this is the area that is going to be transformed in the next two years - this transit will last till the end of 2010 for me. In addition, Jupiter rules my 3rd house - thought process, communication. It is interesting that this area in my chart underwent so much transformation: Pluto was there for the last 8-9 years probably, my Neptune is there - and my conscious spiritual awakening began when Pluto went into conjunction with it - and now Pluto is affecting the planet that rules this house. 

It occurs to me now how many of the elements in my chart are tied to the mind in this way or another...at least at the place where I live now. Jupiter - rules my 3rd house, Neptune - in the 3rd house, rules the 5th - self expression. Mercury - 2nd house (money, values), opposes Chiron, squares Mars - 10th/11th house AND trines 10th house - career. 12th/9th houses - ruled by Mercury, and 12th house is where my Saturn is, which rules my 4th house - home, psychological security. The first advice that I received from a Vedic astrologer I wrote many years earlier is that I have to transform the way I think...I know that Vedic astrology =/= Western astrology, but it's still the same chart...:D 

It is also interesting that communication for me is a challenging area. While I love love love learning and process information and see myself as an eternal student, it is hard for me to communicate my ideas out. It is not easy for me to write, and an oral communication is challenging as well. I very much prefer to communicate by writing. Although writing for a purpose is also challenging. I've never tried teaching sofar, although I noticed that when I try to coach someone or to explain them the principles of how something works I do it very well. I also discovered that I DO enjoy lecturing very much...I've always wanted to communicate the "higher truths" to others or even write a book...something "out of this world", something "perspective opening", sci-fi-ish. There has not been a potantial for this yet, but I do see myself as doing new things with time. 

I do hope that the transformation of the pronciple of expansion will be expansive for me...I do want to go to new places whether it'll be literally or in consciousness only. I do want to get a hold on my PhD and I do want MORE of life. I wonder if I can channel too...but I'm afraid I'd be channeling some lord of darkness...and this thought makes me very amused.

My natal Jupiter is also aspected by Venus and the North Node and the Pluto transit is already touching these energies as well. In the future it would make specific aspects with these points, right before entering my 4th house...if I stay in the same place that is.

My input regarding the latest shoud.

First of all - there IS a difference between being plugged in to the shoud as it happens and reading it some time after. Although maybe the former is more powerful because I'm also looking at Geoff and I know that it is happening "now". Because I was also able to feel Tobias/Geoff from the latest Newsletter.

I am very delighted that I WAS able to feel the difference between Kuthumi's and Toby's energy.

Anyway, my input on the "doesn't matter". For me it is another step towards liberation and self love. And I don't perceive this message as "nothing matters" but as: "you can have what you want no matter what". Or: "the external circumstances do not POINT at a specific outcome". Or: "outside state of things, your past, your present, the momentary does not define who you are". I also did not "panic" when I heard that Tobias was speaking about "negative" stuff that may happen. (a) It doesn't HAVE to happen (b) "negative" and "positive" are the matter of perception. Just this Thuesday I sat with my family and we noted how the "negative" stuff that we experienced only added to us. And there was also an example of a young person, who despite having what one would define as "non positive" life experience showing himslef as a kind-hearted one.

I personally, and also my family, have experienced many crysises from a very young age. What it taught me personally was not to be scared so much of life and to be more "instrumentative" in my approach and not to sink into emotions such as depression and self-hate. But I learned it only when I've been through it.

Back to "it doesn't matter". Let us look at what "does" matter. These are: one's age, gender, level of education, physical attractiveness, amount of wealth, weight, height, personality traits, agreeableness, temperament, past history, physical surroundings and the list goes on and on. All these are considered factors in the well being of our living and in our chances to get what we want. And if these that was have are considered not good enough, we are not allowed to LOVE nor these traits and neither US - the posessors of these traits. We are supposed to hide them, get rid of them, change them, transform them....because they are UNWORTHY. And unworthy =/= love.

How can I apply this "principle"? Apart from stopping being angry at a relative who treats me like some mutation. I noticed that I carry a lot of fear within me. And, interestingly, it is a fear of how people will treat me. Or in general, what will happen to me because my life does not fall into the "classic" pattern of success. Seems that I chose this lifetime to prove myself that none of that matters :D and I am aware of that very much. But I still have this fear, despite "proving" myself that none of this affects my well being unless I choose to = make myself miserable that something is wrong.

If nothing matters, I am allowed to LOVE everything, even if it is defined as ugly, unworthy or simply bad. I can stop being scared of what might happed to me (besides from me creating it) - nothing "bad" can happen to me. Nothing can "make" me "unworthy". Etc. :D

My habit of living (and not only mine) was/is to think that unless my life fits certain standards, it's "not ok". And that our goals should be set towards making it okay first and only then to express ourselves. Okay, that was my feeling. Now I feel that it is not necessary. I feel a strong urge to stop creating the mindset of "less" and "not enough". That it doesn't matter the amount of products that I produce to make it a "successful" day. I feel that I can simply make whatever actions I want, to expand however I want etc, just because I want.

Why do I need a "spiritual" blogspace?

1. The "hidden" layers of our existence are a major part of my life. However, I still feel that in the modern society they are still not taken seriously by the wide audience. Therefore, I feel that I cannot talk about them seriously, or unless I treat them as a "side effect" of the "normal" existence.
2. I have lovely lovely Internet friends who are also very accepting, supporting and encouraging and some of them are even interested in the psychological/spiritual. But: (a) not all of them, (b) none of them are interested in these topics at the same level that I am and (c) our base of knowledge is not the same. Therefore, if I choose to write about aspects integration, for example, they will not know what I'm talking about. At best, I will be telling them something new.
3. When I read books about multi dimentional experiences of others, many times I, involuntarily, have a feeling that moving energy is a snap. It is not. It is daily routine which requires persistence, dedication and learning. However, thsi daily experience is usually not reflected in the spiritual materials, which concentrate on the end result.

So what I'm now ready for is a space, where people with the same orientation as I am can safely share about our daily experiences from the multi-dimentional point of view. We do not have to try and be "important". We can simply share what's going on in our world, encourage each other, learn that there is nothing wrong with us and - share some fun.