Tuesday, April 7, 2009

It's this time again?

When I absolutely have no idea what to do or where to go. I do have a general direction what to do with my studies, but it seems that I've hit that spot again where I don't know how to make my life better from where I stand. And my life is not yet at the point where I am happy with it. In addition, I am very tired from all my experiences. Playing the part of the "weird" one is quite interesting but not easy, especially when it comes to interaction with the "normal" people. In addition it is also extremely tiring to constantly be at a place where you don't resonate with your surroundings. In addition I am at the spot when I don't know how to balance my own personality ... ehm, let's call them unique characteristics. Right now I am done with realizing that there is nothing "wrong" with me and I want to "do something" about myself. 
I suspect that this stuff came up after reading the Abraham book, since the same thing happened the first time I read it too. Maybe it's because it made me realize where I'm being unloving to myself, so all this stuff came up. Actually it was always there lurking at the background, but right now it's just all...in my face.
I'm arranging myself my yearly channeling :D Seems that I now have a habit of arranging myself a channeling session once a year :D Will be waiting for the next week for the salary to get in and then I'll be bringing it into physical.
So silly. When thinking of what exact issues would I like to bring to the channeling, I caught myself that I am trying to "say it right". That I know that it was I that created it...and that it is my responsibility....and that I should not focus on details...bullshit. My human part right now is crying for attention and for resolving painful issues and I feel that this is again disrespect of myself that I try to sound "all spiritual" instead of saying exactly how I feel. I am also quite sure that Kuthumi goes and chats with my non-3D parts before delivering the info to me, so it is I that I'll ultimately be talking to, so who am I kidding? I mean, speaking of games, the "spiritual" talk is the same game as all other games. Aren't we here to feel? Aren't we here to experience pain as well? Aren't we humans, goddammit? What we're doing is telling the human part to STFU. And it is as good as the rest of us. I won't use the word "Divine", cause everything is the same primal essence and there is no such "thing" as Divine - it's only a virtual concept.
I can't help it. I come from atheistic background. And I am quite tired trying to squeeze my perception of life into mindframes. There is some primal, basic essence which is all-present. And that's it. IMO we should invent a more objective name for it.

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