I think I'm integrating something

because I am clearly feeling all my ego energies surfacing and moving to the side. I feel now the "bringing to the core" and the opening to more love. I could clearly sense the love for myself and how I can get to this place. 

I don't want to say that the ego-way of doing things is wrong and that I am switching to something right. Nor do I want to give up my drive for achievement. I just want to put it into a better perspective. I don't want to evaluate myself based on my achievements, or, experiences is a better word. And I don't want to call one experience an achievement and another failure and I can't live anymore by denying myself the experiences that I want and trying to have them the old way. It just doesn't work anymore. At least for me. And I can't have all the experiences that I want the old way. I can't focus on something one and neither can I go into several directions simultaneously, because in the old world they simply do not coexist together. So I have to bring everything to the core and then let the energy bring me all ... my precious :D *insert diabolical laughter here*

And I also have these flu symptoms...better be the spiritual one.

I really really feel that I am releasing my attachments to the outer circumstances, to the definitions of these outer circumstances and to the need to control them with my mind. 

What would I like to do and to have?

- I want to be safe

- I want all my needs to be realized. I don't want to spend my time being busy providing my resources so I can express myself. I choose to be served always and I choose my needs always be fulfilled and all the resources that I will ever require to be available to me.

- I want to have a family of kind spiritted people. I want to allow myself to be in the New Energy with people I love and who also think like me. My friends. I want to enjoy being with my family and I want to enjoy my husband and my children (future).

- I also choose to end the experience of feeling miserable. I choose to consciously know that I am an all powerful creator. Who can also create misery :D

- I also want to channel my Atlantean knowledge. Or any inter dimensional knowledge that I might have and am afraid to express. My mind has no knowledge of even being in Atlantis. But I do feel something scientific, sci-fi and powerful. If there is a knowledge that I have and it can be used, I do choose it to be channeled here. 

- Continuing the previous: I choose to be realized career wise. The best possible way. WITHOUT making sacrifices like not having a family. THAT IS ALSO OVER! I want everything and I want it the best possible way for me. Which kinda puts an end to my victim moods...oh well, everything's gotta end somewhen.

Current astrological map

Right now I am at the beginning of Pluto transit to my Jupiter. To be sprecific, transiting Pluto, 3rd house, Capricorn trine natal Jupiter, 11th house, Virgo. Since my Jupiter is also conjunct my North Node and sextile Venus, these points will already be activated as well. I was very excited because Jupiter represents expansion, far travels, further education and achievement of one's goals, however, till I was reminded today, I totally forgot that Jupiter also stands for one's phylosophical, social and humanitarian views. 11th house, besides ruling one's goals and ideals also rules one's circle of friends, work in groups and one's ideals. So this is the area that is going to be transformed in the next two years - this transit will last till the end of 2010 for me. In addition, Jupiter rules my 3rd house - thought process, communication. It is interesting that this area in my chart underwent so much transformation: Pluto was there for the last 8-9 years probably, my Neptune is there - and my conscious spiritual awakening began when Pluto went into conjunction with it - and now Pluto is affecting the planet that rules this house. 

It occurs to me now how many of the elements in my chart are tied to the mind in this way or another...at least at the place where I live now. Jupiter - rules my 3rd house, Neptune - in the 3rd house, rules the 5th - self expression. Mercury - 2nd house (money, values), opposes Chiron, squares Mars - 10th/11th house AND trines 10th house - career. 12th/9th houses - ruled by Mercury, and 12th house is where my Saturn is, which rules my 4th house - home, psychological security. The first advice that I received from a Vedic astrologer I wrote many years earlier is that I have to transform the way I think...I know that Vedic astrology =/= Western astrology, but it's still the same chart...:D 

It is also interesting that communication for me is a challenging area. While I love love love learning and process information and see myself as an eternal student, it is hard for me to communicate my ideas out. It is not easy for me to write, and an oral communication is challenging as well. I very much prefer to communicate by writing. Although writing for a purpose is also challenging. I've never tried teaching sofar, although I noticed that when I try to coach someone or to explain them the principles of how something works I do it very well. I also discovered that I DO enjoy lecturing very much...I've always wanted to communicate the "higher truths" to others or even write a book...something "out of this world", something "perspective opening", sci-fi-ish. There has not been a potantial for this yet, but I do see myself as doing new things with time. 

I do hope that the transformation of the pronciple of expansion will be expansive for me...I do want to go to new places whether it'll be literally or in consciousness only. I do want to get a hold on my PhD and I do want MORE of life. I wonder if I can channel too...but I'm afraid I'd be channeling some lord of darkness...and this thought makes me very amused.

My natal Jupiter is also aspected by Venus and the North Node and the Pluto transit is already touching these energies as well. In the future it would make specific aspects with these points, right before entering my 4th house...if I stay in the same place that is.