Wow, I feel inspired to post!

Just wanted to say that with all the recent tendency to realize that we are the source of our creations, it would be "wrong" to judge our past tendecy of looking for things outside of ourselves as incorrect. Because it was the design of our experience/experiment: to fragment ourselves as much as possible so each aspect of the universe could be studied separately. Or speaking in a less esoteric language - so we could study universe from this aspect as well.

Since I fail at working today I might as well report that I was GOBAVed!

With much subtlety and elegance, but I was. I can't even say it was Kuthumi - I have the channeling - I kinda think it was me, or me+Kuthumi because I did definitely feel that things shifted ever since I contemplated this channeling. I don't know, it is so interesting, I can clearly see now the frames of my victim mode which I couldn't before.

Sir Kuthumi actually did something new - according to the channeler. He stated that we - the channeler, him and I - know each other from a past life so it's no accident that we had this meeting. After pondering some time about this piece of info and wondering about its relevancy to the message, I suddenly realized that in one case when I asked to tell me the past life "story" that connects me to certain people, I was "denied" it, but yet it's a third time already that my past life is mentioned without me asking for it. The first two times mentioned Atlantis, and the first time I was even so "rude" that I asked whether Atlantis was the only inhabitable place on Earth at that time since everybody and their wife seemed to live there :D As a side note - with the option that I'm overthinking it - now I'm surprised at my own reaction, because I'm quite curious about any piece of info regarding my other-than-present deeds, even if I did something "bad". Therefore, I now wonder whether I just don't WANT to hear about Atlantis. Especially when my reaction towards Kuthumi's info was "yeah, sounds plausible :D". And now that I think of it, Tobias was mentioned to know me as well...   I didn't take it seriously though. But I remember now reading a New Age book of a Russian author, who was very very excited seeing Kuthumi (so she claims :D) in a meditation. He touched her 3rd eye area. So she was touched by Kuthumi ("Touched by an angel", yes? :D) So I was like: hm, I know important people...wow? But ... I kinda can't connect to this style of thinking...maybe it's Kuthumi thing, but what was really nice to me is that he said that in this lifetime in which we knew each other we liked to laugh together (on a platonic basis, so it seems :D), as also with his current channeler. That we were friends. And I just thought that it would be nice that the reason that I'm attracted to Shaumbra is because I recognize my long time friends. And even: maybe Kuthumi decided to share this piece of info just because he recognized a friend. Which reminded me that the second time Atlantis was mentioned was in context of my angel group saying that some of them actually were with me there. So...I was like, wow, I have so many friends?....that love me?

This might seem stupid, but in my 3D life I don't have many friends, and I'm quite a solitary person, so I get quite surprised every time I discover that people actually like me or that I know someone from milti-D realms. And that's the GOBAVish thing that I was talking about :D That's (another) the place where my mental frames fire up. I am very used used to thinking that I'm (1) unlikeable and (2) not that important because I posess the undesireable features xyz and lack the desireable features abc. And I refused to let go of this mindset, until my latest interaction with the ex-Indian-Shah-who-built-the-Taj-Mahal when I thought "wow, I'm...more than I consider myself to be..." yeah... I still have to breathe on that.

And I really need to find out now who was this soul that was Kuthumi's wife in his "Taj Mahal" lifetime! The magnificent mausoleum was erected, after all, in her honor!

It's this time again?

When I absolutely have no idea what to do or where to go. I do have a general direction what to do with my studies, but it seems that I've hit that spot again where I don't know how to make my life better from where I stand. And my life is not yet at the point where I am happy with it. In addition, I am very tired from all my experiences. Playing the part of the "weird" one is quite interesting but not easy, especially when it comes to interaction with the "normal" people. In addition it is also extremely tiring to constantly be at a place where you don't resonate with your surroundings. In addition I am at the spot when I don't know how to balance my own personality ... ehm, let's call them unique characteristics. Right now I am done with realizing that there is nothing "wrong" with me and I want to "do something" about myself. 

I suspect that this stuff came up after reading the Abraham book, since the same thing happened the first time I read it too. Maybe it's because it made me realize where I'm being unloving to myself, so all this stuff came up. Actually it was always there lurking at the background, but right now it's just all...in my face.

I'm arranging myself my yearly channeling :D Seems that I now have a habit of arranging myself a channeling session once a year :D Will be waiting for the next week for the salary to get in and then I'll be bringing it into physical.

So silly. When thinking of what exact issues would I like to bring to the channeling, I caught myself that I am trying to "say it right". That I know that it was I that created it...and that it is my responsibility....and that I should not focus on details...bullshit. My human part right now is crying for attention and for resolving painful issues and I feel that this is again disrespect of myself that I try to sound "all spiritual" instead of saying exactly how I feel. I am also quite sure that Kuthumi goes and chats with my non-3D parts before delivering the info to me, so it is I that I'll ultimately be talking to, so who am I kidding? I mean, speaking of games, the "spiritual" talk is the same game as all other games. Aren't we here to feel? Aren't we here to experience pain as well? Aren't we humans, goddammit? What we're doing is telling the human part to STFU. And it is as good as the rest of us. I won't use the word "Divine", cause everything is the same primal essence and there is no such "thing" as Divine - it's only a virtual concept.

I can't help it. I come from atheistic background. And I am quite tired trying to squeeze my perception of life into mindframes. There is some primal, basic essence which is all-present. And that's it. IMO we should invent a more objective name for it.

A very honest post - part1/??

I don't really know where to start, I had a realization two days ago, when attending a pre-Passover evening of my workplace. We were given a lecture about Theodor Hertzl, the person who was one of the major figures (if not the major) in rebuilding the current state of Israel. 

The lecture was given is a different POV from the usual historical presentation: the lector was interested in what had motivated an ordinary person, not very much connected to his Jewish roots, a man with a job and a family, to suddenly stand up and initiate a great movement. And not just initiate it in spirit, but also in action. So he tried to focus on "the power of an individual to change", which was very interesting. 

Now, the main motivation for Hertzl to propose that the Jews would have their own state was not in order to resurrect some old belief system. It was in order to find a solution to the problem of antisemitism which grew to national proportions. And btw, according to the lector, one of the first solutions that Hertzl thought of was a mass conversion of Jews to Christianity. However: he understood that it won't work. Not only because the Jews won't do it. 

One of the major events that contributed to Hertzl's life path was the trial of Dreifus, which he was sent to cover (Herzl was a journalist). It struck him, that as Dreifus was going through the humiliating ceremony of expel from the army (or however it is called in English :D ), he was shouting "Vive la France", when the gathered mob was shouting "kill the Jews". Hertzl was amazed both at how one strongly and naively believed in the state that betrayed him only because of his race and at the magnitude of the people's hate, who were ready to kill someone based on his race only.

Now, that brings me to the issue that stirred inside of me (and no, it wasn't the dinner :D ): the issue of one's pride of themselves. Not necessarily of being proud because we are better than others, but a healthy sense of pride. The sense of pride - and the basic primal "right" to be who you are.

I have a problem with how the concept of "politically correct" is sometimes used. When it is used to imply that people who are different from some "standard" have to give up their individual attributes. Especially, when the motivation is "the greatest good".

Or many times we are ready to give up the dark parts of us.

At that lecture, and couple of days later, I realized that my experience in Israel (the one that I'm aware of) is exactly about that: accepting one's individuality and one's basic, primal, rights.

To be continued.

Divinity in action lol! :D

I've just submitted a request for completion of my degree via the comp. The message said that it was submitted at 12:12:12! :D (12hours:12minutes:12seconds) How cool is that! :D

Googled numer 12 at numerology to find out what exactly it's about and found this:

Twelve is the number of what is completed, which forms a whole, a perfect and harmonious unit. In the ancient civilizations, like Oriental and Judaic, it corresponds to the plenitude, the completion and the integrality of a thing.

So yay! Divine completion to a very meaningful and interesting time ♥

I think I'm integrating something

because I am clearly feeling all my ego energies surfacing and moving to the side. I feel now the "bringing to the core" and the opening to more love. I could clearly sense the love for myself and how I can get to this place. 

I don't want to say that the ego-way of doing things is wrong and that I am switching to something right. Nor do I want to give up my drive for achievement. I just want to put it into a better perspective. I don't want to evaluate myself based on my achievements, or, experiences is a better word. And I don't want to call one experience an achievement and another failure and I can't live anymore by denying myself the experiences that I want and trying to have them the old way. It just doesn't work anymore. At least for me. And I can't have all the experiences that I want the old way. I can't focus on something one and neither can I go into several directions simultaneously, because in the old world they simply do not coexist together. So I have to bring everything to the core and then let the energy bring me all ... my precious :D *insert diabolical laughter here*

And I also have these flu symptoms...better be the spiritual one.

I really really feel that I am releasing my attachments to the outer circumstances, to the definitions of these outer circumstances and to the need to control them with my mind. 

What would I like to do and to have?

- I want to be safe

- I want all my needs to be realized. I don't want to spend my time being busy providing my resources so I can express myself. I choose to be served always and I choose my needs always be fulfilled and all the resources that I will ever require to be available to me.

- I want to have a family of kind spiritted people. I want to allow myself to be in the New Energy with people I love and who also think like me. My friends. I want to enjoy being with my family and I want to enjoy my husband and my children (future).

- I also choose to end the experience of feeling miserable. I choose to consciously know that I am an all powerful creator. Who can also create misery :D

- I also want to channel my Atlantean knowledge. Or any inter dimensional knowledge that I might have and am afraid to express. My mind has no knowledge of even being in Atlantis. But I do feel something scientific, sci-fi and powerful. If there is a knowledge that I have and it can be used, I do choose it to be channeled here. 

- Continuing the previous: I choose to be realized career wise. The best possible way. WITHOUT making sacrifices like not having a family. THAT IS ALSO OVER! I want everything and I want it the best possible way for me. Which kinda puts an end to my victim moods...oh well, everything's gotta end somewhen.

An influx of love energy

happened to me yesterday, after I learned that my current job might last only for another month and not for another 5 months as I was originally told. I did get upset at first, but then I got angry and told myself "I'm gonna make it through! I'm gonna live!". And then I felt SO MUCH LOVE for myself. That I deserve to live. That no matter who I am and what I am and what my life looks like I DESERVE to LIVE and I deserve all the possible love and compassion in the universe. I am connected to this feeling again, as I am writing this entry. I am literally feeling love at the heart center and at the rest of my body.
This feeling that I am loved and that I deserve to live and have everything that I ever need is not trivial. I sensed very clearly how I have always felt that "it is not a big deal" if I will not live. I was not important enough to myself. What mattered was that I have the right life, if I am the right thing. If I am not - I might or even better not to live at all. I do not want to consider this point of view as "wrong", because, after all, I chose to have this experience but this is how I felt: that my story is more important and more valuable than my life. Pluto, you're doing it right! :D But we can take it to the next level, methinks and hopes ♥

Current astrological map

Right now I am at the beginning of Pluto transit to my Jupiter. To be sprecific, transiting Pluto, 3rd house, Capricorn trine natal Jupiter, 11th house, Virgo. Since my Jupiter is also conjunct my North Node and sextile Venus, these points will already be activated as well. I was very excited because Jupiter represents expansion, far travels, further education and achievement of one's goals, however, till I was reminded today, I totally forgot that Jupiter also stands for one's phylosophical, social and humanitarian views. 11th house, besides ruling one's goals and ideals also rules one's circle of friends, work in groups and one's ideals. So this is the area that is going to be transformed in the next two years - this transit will last till the end of 2010 for me. In addition, Jupiter rules my 3rd house - thought process, communication. It is interesting that this area in my chart underwent so much transformation: Pluto was there for the last 8-9 years probably, my Neptune is there - and my conscious spiritual awakening began when Pluto went into conjunction with it - and now Pluto is affecting the planet that rules this house. 

It occurs to me now how many of the elements in my chart are tied to the mind in this way or another...at least at the place where I live now. Jupiter - rules my 3rd house, Neptune - in the 3rd house, rules the 5th - self expression. Mercury - 2nd house (money, values), opposes Chiron, squares Mars - 10th/11th house AND trines 10th house - career. 12th/9th houses - ruled by Mercury, and 12th house is where my Saturn is, which rules my 4th house - home, psychological security. The first advice that I received from a Vedic astrologer I wrote many years earlier is that I have to transform the way I think...I know that Vedic astrology =/= Western astrology, but it's still the same chart...:D 

It is also interesting that communication for me is a challenging area. While I love love love learning and process information and see myself as an eternal student, it is hard for me to communicate my ideas out. It is not easy for me to write, and an oral communication is challenging as well. I very much prefer to communicate by writing. Although writing for a purpose is also challenging. I've never tried teaching sofar, although I noticed that when I try to coach someone or to explain them the principles of how something works I do it very well. I also discovered that I DO enjoy lecturing very much...I've always wanted to communicate the "higher truths" to others or even write a book...something "out of this world", something "perspective opening", sci-fi-ish. There has not been a potantial for this yet, but I do see myself as doing new things with time. 

I do hope that the transformation of the pronciple of expansion will be expansive for me...I do want to go to new places whether it'll be literally or in consciousness only. I do want to get a hold on my PhD and I do want MORE of life. I wonder if I can channel too...but I'm afraid I'd be channeling some lord of darkness...and this thought makes me very amused.

My natal Jupiter is also aspected by Venus and the North Node and the Pluto transit is already touching these energies as well. In the future it would make specific aspects with these points, right before entering my 4th house...if I stay in the same place that is.

My input regarding the latest shoud.

First of all - there IS a difference between being plugged in to the shoud as it happens and reading it some time after. Although maybe the former is more powerful because I'm also looking at Geoff and I know that it is happening "now". Because I was also able to feel Tobias/Geoff from the latest Newsletter.

I am very delighted that I WAS able to feel the difference between Kuthumi's and Toby's energy.

Anyway, my input on the "doesn't matter". For me it is another step towards liberation and self love. And I don't perceive this message as "nothing matters" but as: "you can have what you want no matter what". Or: "the external circumstances do not POINT at a specific outcome". Or: "outside state of things, your past, your present, the momentary does not define who you are". I also did not "panic" when I heard that Tobias was speaking about "negative" stuff that may happen. (a) It doesn't HAVE to happen (b) "negative" and "positive" are the matter of perception. Just this Thuesday I sat with my family and we noted how the "negative" stuff that we experienced only added to us. And there was also an example of a young person, who despite having what one would define as "non positive" life experience showing himslef as a kind-hearted one.

I personally, and also my family, have experienced many crysises from a very young age. What it taught me personally was not to be scared so much of life and to be more "instrumentative" in my approach and not to sink into emotions such as depression and self-hate. But I learned it only when I've been through it.

Back to "it doesn't matter". Let us look at what "does" matter. These are: one's age, gender, level of education, physical attractiveness, amount of wealth, weight, height, personality traits, agreeableness, temperament, past history, physical surroundings and the list goes on and on. All these are considered factors in the well being of our living and in our chances to get what we want. And if these that was have are considered not good enough, we are not allowed to LOVE nor these traits and neither US - the posessors of these traits. We are supposed to hide them, get rid of them, change them, transform them....because they are UNWORTHY. And unworthy =/= love.

How can I apply this "principle"? Apart from stopping being angry at a relative who treats me like some mutation. I noticed that I carry a lot of fear within me. And, interestingly, it is a fear of how people will treat me. Or in general, what will happen to me because my life does not fall into the "classic" pattern of success. Seems that I chose this lifetime to prove myself that none of that matters :D and I am aware of that very much. But I still have this fear, despite "proving" myself that none of this affects my well being unless I choose to = make myself miserable that something is wrong.

If nothing matters, I am allowed to LOVE everything, even if it is defined as ugly, unworthy or simply bad. I can stop being scared of what might happed to me (besides from me creating it) - nothing "bad" can happen to me. Nothing can "make" me "unworthy". Etc. :D

My habit of living (and not only mine) was/is to think that unless my life fits certain standards, it's "not ok". And that our goals should be set towards making it okay first and only then to express ourselves. Okay, that was my feeling. Now I feel that it is not necessary. I feel a strong urge to stop creating the mindset of "less" and "not enough". That it doesn't matter the amount of products that I produce to make it a "successful" day. I feel that I can simply make whatever actions I want, to expand however I want etc, just because I want.

Why do I need a "spiritual" blogspace?

1. The "hidden" layers of our existence are a major part of my life. However, I still feel that in the modern society they are still not taken seriously by the wide audience. Therefore, I feel that I cannot talk about them seriously, or unless I treat them as a "side effect" of the "normal" existence.
2. I have lovely lovely Internet friends who are also very accepting, supporting and encouraging and some of them are even interested in the psychological/spiritual. But: (a) not all of them, (b) none of them are interested in these topics at the same level that I am and (c) our base of knowledge is not the same. Therefore, if I choose to write about aspects integration, for example, they will not know what I'm talking about. At best, I will be telling them something new.
3. When I read books about multi dimentional experiences of others, many times I, involuntarily, have a feeling that moving energy is a snap. It is not. It is daily routine which requires persistence, dedication and learning. However, thsi daily experience is usually not reflected in the spiritual materials, which concentrate on the end result.

So what I'm now ready for is a space, where people with the same orientation as I am can safely share about our daily experiences from the multi-dimentional point of view. We do not have to try and be "important". We can simply share what's going on in our world, encourage each other, learn that there is nothing wrong with us and - share some fun.